Seeing The Colbert Report Live Standby: Part One, the Details and Facts

So, when I was in New York on vacation, right after writing 25,000 words in three days for the Three Day Novel Writing Contest, I decided I wanted to take a break and do something purely FUN - and in my mind, if you are in New York, for fun, you can't do any better than going to see The Colbert Report.

I've done it before, twice successfully, and once not - I never can get tickets so I have to go standby, which means you get put on a list and hope for the best. It was raining the day I went (started as a light drizzle when I left around 3pm), so I figured that would deter some people and I'd have good chances, which turned out to be true. (By the time they were letting people in, it was simply *pouring* and it almost deterred me.)

Also, the guest was Tim Pawlenty and the combination of him and Stephen seemed pretty hard to pass up. It's guest roulette, you know - I was lucky. First time, REM were the guests, and performed about 15 feet from me; second time it was everyone's favorite pop sociologist author, Malcom Gladwell (Blink, Outliers).

The process - in case you've always wanted to know what it's like is described in detail below:

You can try and get tickets, but good luck.  The Daily Show always seems to be available day of, but Colbert is more rare.  However, some guy who was there had tickets and he got his around 11:30am that day, so they must occassionally pop up.  But standby isn't so bad.  Ever since they expanded his set, they added about 25 seats, and it's even easier to get in - the place seats a total of about 125, I was told.  I got in as #107, and there were certainly people after me.

To go standby, you just show up as early as you want to in order to try and be first on the standby list - you can get there around 3pm and be the first in line, but maybe not.  That seems to be the tipping time.  If you are in the standby line by 4pm, they take your name in the order you arrived, and they let you go.  You come back around 6pm, which is when they know who showed up - since ticket holders must check in by 6pm.  A few people showed up for standby around 6pm, and they got in, so you never know.

Ticket holders are advised to show up early as well, and they seem to start around 4pm or so.  The earlier you are, the better number you will have, and #1 goes into the studio audience first, although they "seat" you, in some stragetic way I am not sure of.  Sometime around 5pm or so, they start letting people in, which means you go through a fairly rigourous security screening - it's been the same guy every time I have gone, who I think is head of security.  This takes quite a while. 

So, around 6pm, they see who all has not shown up and start letting in standby folks.  It was really mercilessly raining that day - my umbrella didn't really keep me dry, and several of us were at various stages of soaked, and everyone was at least a little wet, including the interns.  They were cool - they started processing us as soon as they could, because the ticket holders stand in a roofed-over alley, dry and safe from the wind, but the standby hopefuls line up along an unsheltered fence, under dripping trees. 

Once you are "in," you know because you get a little blue pass with a number.  There are also red passes and white passes, and I gather these people are special, because they get seated BEFORE the blue passes.  (The day REM was there, a ton of studio execs and special guests showed up - including Mrs. Colbert and at least one of his kids, his teenage daughter who wanted to meet Michael Stipe; they wheeled out a cart of champagne flutes as we were being politely ushered out.) 

Once you have a ticket, you wait in the covered alley / line up area until they let you in. There used to be graffiti on the walls (Lord of the Report, and all that) but I noticed it was all painted over and Colbert says no more to that.  Landlords, I assume.  It's still just a cable show with not a huge budget, after all.

After security, you wait (standing - there is LOTS of standing in the process) in a sort of anti-chamber, decorated with Colbert portraits, and a monitor in the corner playing some "best of" clips.  The audience wrangler - and ALL the people who work there, paid and unpaid alike, are incredibly super nice and aware and competent - comes in and tells you what will happen.  You will be seated, by number.  Please LAUGH, you have to laugh outloud if you think it's funny because we can't hear smiles.  We're the soundtrack, they tell you.  The night I was there, it was his first day back after a two-week vacation, and if we wanted to get Stephen in the mood, we should let our genuine laughter be loud - let it all out.  They give you a little "1...2...3!" test to see if you can make a lot of noise.  We sounded fine.

We were also told no shout outs ("They are distracting to Stephen, and the flow of the jokes") and absolutely no camera or cell phones.  Turn it all off, and keep it off.  It interferes with the sound, the wireless, whatever - anyway, they are politely but clearly tell you they will take your phone if they find it on.  They point out the bathrooms in the waiting room we're all in, and suggest we do this now, because once seated, that's it.  There's a water cooler too. 

They also tell you, Stephen will come out beforehand (assuming there is time, which there always seems to be) and answer questions, out of character.  "You *do* know Stephen is playing a character, right?"  We all laugh.  He likes original, good, interesting, geeky questions.  Don't ask him to give you anything and don't ask to give him anything.  These are reasonable requests, and we're all cool with it.

They they call you by number and let you in.  This goes more quickly than you'd think - it's amazing how quickly people can sort themsevles in basic numerical order.  However, once you get in, they seem to have a method for seating you. I am always near the end because I am always standby, and during REM, I was over in a front corner, which put me farther from Stephen but really close to the band.  The second time, they said, "We can let you in, but you'll have to stand."  I agreed, along with another standby girl, and after the first segment, the audience handler came over and said, "Come with me" and then sat us in the FRONT CENTER.  He explained the two people he'd placed there were either stoned out of their minds or spaced out for some other reason, and were sitting very passive and quiet, which apparently is a real bummer for Stephen, duds in the front row.

Because you realize, once you get in, that this is first and foremost, a THEATER piece.  It's a short, one-man imrprov with props and a guest, and they just *happen* to film and broadcast it.  I had no idea.  When watching it at home, I had conceived of it - probably because Stephen *looks* at the cameras - as being primarily a taping, and the audience was there to provide laughter.  But no, it's clear from the first moment - the vibe, the set up, the way Stephen interacts with us - that he performs for the flesh and blood audience, which makes going to see the show live an incredibly satisfying and life-affirming experience.

Anyway, this last time, I was seated near a center aisle, a few rows up.  A great view.  The old set looked pretty cheesy in person, but this new set looks much nicer in person.  Very classy, shiny and well-lit.  Comfortable seats.  It's fun to talk to your neighbors; everyone is a fan.  People come from all over.  One of the times I was waiting, I was the first one there; a few minutes later, the first ticket holder arrived, talking on the phone to his girlfriend.  When he got off, I said, "So, what part of Ohio are you from?"  He was floored, but his accent was so thick, I could tell.  Point is, Seattle, Ohio, Michigan, LA, they come from everywhere.  Germany.  The Philipines.  Stephen is globally beloved.

There's a warm-up comedian, of course, and he's pretty good.  Talks about Stephen a little, they go over the way to make noise and such.  There's no "applause" signs - they tell you what the cue is for the introductions are, because the show's opening is complicated: he starts with "Tonight" and the "Table of Content" jokes, but we cheer AFTER the opening credit sequence, so you do need a cue.  But they don't bag on you or badger you - they just tell you, "The better you are, the better Stephen will be," and it's true.  Stephen loves the audience.  You can just tell.

Then, out he comes, and takes questions.  "Let me humanize myself before you before I come out here and say such terrible things," he says.  One time, I asked him about his ukulele on ths shelf.  Another time, someone asked his favorite president, to which he coolly responded "Jeb Bartlett" (from The West Wing).  I had a super geek question for him this time.  I asked him what his favorite part of the Silmarillion (the Tolkien "pre-quel" - a long, dense tome) was, and he was like, Hmm...the Silmarillion. 

"Feanor was pretty cool," he said, and then he asked me, "And do you know what his name means?"  I did not; "You have me there," I said.

"Spirit of Fire," he explained.  "And what part do you like?"

"Well, I just read 'The Children of Hurin,'" I said, which a story from just one section of The Simarillion, but you can also read it in an expanded stand-alone book version - which NO ONE knows but the most hard core fans.  He knew.

"Ah, but that's a different book, and--I think we just lost everyone else.  I heard the click," he said, making a little gesture by his temple. "Better move on."  He totally out-geeked me.  What a guy. Now, I'm wishing that I'd asked him if he'd even been - or would be - in Jesus Christ Superstar.  He sang a short snippet one time on the show.  I think he'd make a terrific King Herod. 

Anyway, then he does the show, and it's really, really great.  He's actually very funny.  It's not just his writers.  He's funny out of character, and he's funny off the cuff in the interviews, and he's funny with the audience in between segments while they are setting up the next shot or fixing his hair.  He gets into the fun music they play during pauses, makes little gestures and faces at us, says funny things in the moment.  He's completely connected, and you really have just a very FUN time.  You go thru the segments - the Word, maybe; I've also seen a Threat Down and a Cheating Death (Prescott Pharmaceuticals!), plus the interview, of course.  Then it's over and he says goodnight.

In the last show I saw, his shtick at the end involved him wearing a Cheating Death stunt shoe that he could not walk with, so the show finished, we cheered as the credits rolled, and then we all sat there while Stephen changed his shoe.  It wasn't awkward though - he said, great, let's do a few more questions, which we did, and then he did finally say thanks and goodnight.  Then you file out, elated and high on Stephen and the glorious energy, and kind of sad it's over.  I hear you can stay outside until he comes out, and he'll do pictures and sigtnatures, but I never stay. 

That's pretty much the process.  If you want to know what the flavor, the meaning, the meta-story is of going to see The Colbert Report, read Part Two.