Engage

Yesterday, a friend, EB, came over to join J & I for part of Movie Day (our Saturday ritual), and he shared a quote from a song he remembered: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

These themes have been floating around a lot, because earlier I'd had a conversation with Z, my friend from New York, the other day in which he told me that he had finally figured out what the solution to his problem for the last few years - or even longer - had been. The problem was a familiar one to most people: general (and occasionally specific) depression, malaise, lack of direction, lack of passion, a yearning for meaning or a vague feeling that meaning was out there somewhere but not where he was. It's something I myself don't really struggle with anymore but I do remember it.

He suddenly realized that, basically, the solution was to engage in life. Along the lines of Zen thinking - in which ANY act (so long as it is not harmful to others) can be sacred, IF it is done with intention and reverence. The Buddhists are very big on enlightenment while washing the dishes or weeding the garden. Ah-ha! you are supposed to realize. THIS, right here, IS life. It's not somewhere else, it's not out there, but it's right here. And the here, furthermore, is not the place where you are, but actually YOU, and so whenever you move, you carry the HERE around with you.

I'm not sure Z was speaking along those lines specifically, but he was saying that as long as you do what you are interested in with passion and devotion and a spirit of inquisitive curiosity - as opposed to trying to get it right, to succeed, etc - you can really start to enjoy your life. Speaking as someone who has been mostly (not entirely, but mostly) practicing this for the last couple years, I can confirm that it does work. Caring about what you do and doing what you are about does tend to make you happy. And then success usually does follow, anyway, which feels like a kind of bonus.

The thing about being engaged in your life is it can be very daunting. Kind of exhausting. There are phases and cycles to it - such as sleeping & waking, physical exertion and physical leisure, etc - but the main thing, of going forward in time and being present in each moment, can feel a little relentless. Being alive all the time is kind of like living in Waterworld - when I saw that movie, I was very uncomfortable. I was like, wait, where IS the land? It's ALL water, all the time? It make me feel - and sorry to be so literal - adrift. But new paradigms often feel uncomfortable until you get used to them, and it is ALL LIFE, ALL THE TIME.

I recently got a new job that requires me to be engaged on a much more personal and all-encompassing level than I have been before. There is no downtime. There are no tasks, per se, coming my way that I can simply complete and then know I have accomplished what I was supposed to. No, it's all generation. My boss (a vice president) comes to me with ideas, concepts, something we want to change. Can we improve communication? Can we make the work between the regional offices and the field locations more fluid? Can we make people more effective and happier in their jobs? (My job is to turn these ideas into plans, which can eventually become tasks someone else will do).

And it's impossible to do this unless you are fully engaged. They require answers to come from within - within me, yes, but also within my co-workers and team-mates. You change the quality of your work by changing yourself. So I find the distinction between "work" and "life" is very blurred. I realized long ago that while society makes a distinction between work and life - and even further sub-divisions of "life" into play, chores, hobbies, etc - the truth is, as humans, we are living the whole time.

Our life is made up of everything we do, including data entry and paperwork and all the things we do at work that we'd never do if we weren't getting paid for it. But it's ALL part of your life, and these distinctions between the various aspects of life might be useful but, in general, I think, cause a great deal of alienation and dissatisfaction. It also means that when pondering how to make co-workers work lives better, you realize that means basically making their life better, and you can't relegate improvement of life to 9 to 5.

Having said all that, I have a terrible time on Mondays these days - because that is when the line between life and work seems to be most distinctly drawn. But I'm working on it. It's not that I want to my work to take over my life - rather, I want my life to take over my work, until no matter where I go, no matter who I am around, no matter what I am doing, it's all the same uniform expression of joy, mystery, reverence and lovingkindness.

A long shot maybe, but a girl can dream.